motherly advice

This Mother’s Day, I will gift my daughters.

It’s still early days yet. But I think doing something for eight years qualifies me to give some advice to Jo and Lu when (or if) they become mummies in future.

Yes there is tons of advice out there and I am saying nothing new. But in my context, this is what is most pertinent.

My dear girls (and prospective daughter-in-law if you get along with me) here goes:

* ENJOY. Generally speaking, your kids are meant to be enjoyed. They are not meant to be sources of stress.

* TAKE CARE. Always take care of yourself. Your kids can only be happy if you are happy. You know how the aeroplane safety briefings always say, put on your own oxygen mask before you put it on for your child? Before I had you all, I thought it was hogwash. Such a selfish action! Now, I metaphorically see the relevance. When I don’t take care of myself, I am a shit mum and all of you are blue down the line.

* DEPRIVE. The best for your kids is not to give them the best. Deprivation creates a greater sense of appreciation and striving for better. Against all your loving instincts - especially if you marry a rich man or are earning an obscene wage - withhold. This applies only to tangibles like clothes, toys, books, gadgets. Intangibles like time, love and patience (mum is still developing on this one), give, give, give liberally.

* LET GO. Your kids are hardier and far more capable than you think. Let go. Yes, girls, I probably take this too far (putting knives into your hands at 5 and letting you stay alone at home at 4) but you get the drift.

* HEART OVER MIND. Don’t think too much. Are your kids eating brain food? Are they better than your peers’ kids? Do they need to pick up some activity at the age of 6 in order to qualify for direct school admissions in Secondary 1 in case they flunk the PSLE? Parenting is a lot easier if you just enjoy your kids. Use your heart and not too much of your brain. Don’t over-think, don’t over-compensate and don’t over-anticipate because this is somebody else’s life, not yours. (Girls, this might come back and bite me in the backside if one of you flunk the PSLE and you have no valuable skill attractive enough for any secondary school, but like I say, I’m just eight years in!)

* HUSBAND FIRST (OR EQUAL). Never put the kids above your husband (Day I do not think you will have such a problem because men generally don’t). If, like me, you can’t get away for couple time, a regular hot drink at night, or some such lovey-dovey ritual will do. And do succumb with pleasure. It’s not difficult if you marry the right man. See Auntie Shereen’s post for further reference.


* BAD GUY. It is likely that you will be the bad guy in the family. Your husband will probably be the one to let them do all the unsavoury things like eat junk food or watch too much TV. Relax. Don't snipe at him and accept that his role is to give them some wonderful (very important) memories while you are the one who really holds it all together. And your kids will appreciate that in future (I hope. I don't know yet, really).

* DIY. If you choose or have no other choice but to work full-time and have your children, do not rely on me. This grandmother will not be a surrogate parent. Employ a helper or rely on full-day childcare (see second point) but do note that without a helper, you will probably have to do housework when you return home from work. (unless you are lucky enough to snag one of those housework-loving husbands)

Ah. Pictures.

* They and their mummy (the two mums-to-be - if we are lucky - on the left!)

* Me and my mummy (Pa and Teng on the left)